gvtless

Only the lonely get out of here alive in this life.

i lost something in the hills

Sibylle Baier is a goddess.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have the same positivity in my life that I used to. I know I need to try to get help, but it feels like I’ll never be able to feel that same sense of happiness again? Does that make sense at all? It seems as though I’ll never not be a pessimist, as silly as that sounds. The only way I can imagine it being otherwise is having a partner that brings that into my life. But that’s not fair to myself, I mean, I want to be able to make myself feel that way again. I don’t want to have to rely on someone else to do that for me.

In my dreams, I want to own a small but successful neighborhood restaurant. Basically The Rosewood Grill but my own tastes. Mike and I have always talked about doing a Beer & Breakfast type place, too. To cook delicious food for people with similar interests and disinterests would be so, so great for me, I feel. I would love to buy a huge old house, spend our first several years in it remodeling and cherishing, and then eventually open it to the young public, or at least, the young at heart.

I would love to work on collecting vintage plates and dishwares, slowly spending on a rainbow of le creuset items, gathering up records and art to slowly perfect the perfect rooms. I would kill to be able to go around and find the most comfortable and get-down-in-here (yes-you-down-right-next-to-me) cozy bed linens and pillows. I imagine hanging the perfect starry string lights from RH around each dark-wood window frame and hanging the nicest gauzy curtains.

I want to have glass or crystal door knobs and soft lights splaying over worn kilim rugs. I want moss green walls and cold brew coffee with sweetened condensed milk. I want to back up to trees and wilderness and cold streams. I want to walk trails every day with my pups, Birdo and Kevin.

I wish for calm, quiet mornings of watering all the house plants and making shopping lists. I want to see the soft glow of candles in every room and a craft room and more time than I’d know that to do with. More than anything, I want there to be spirit in the details.

This just makes me realize how much of a detail oriented freak of a person I am. Big-picture shit is so hard for me, I don’t think I even learned how to plan for real and make things happen. Do they teach that in any schools? Because I’d sign up in a heartbeat. I’d like to start a school for depressed but creative young people with classes like, “So You Want to be an Adult?” 

I guess every morning is a chance for me to try again.